I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
But I really needed water water water
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.