adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx