Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
They’re on their honeymoon
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
every single time
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression