Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
School be like
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.