Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions