Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…