“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped