Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You Might Also Like
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
notice
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”