my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg