People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*