I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
He wanted to make sure😂
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?