Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
There are 2 kinds of twitter.