Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist