must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.