*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
dude it’s called proctologist
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Okay me first
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account