I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You know…for fall…
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids