Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
A French press is when you hug naked
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.