I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s