AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You Might Also Like
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Feel. He’s so soft.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day