[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You Might Also Like
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“our sushi is very fresh”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Effort made
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life