Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
You Might Also Like
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.