Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.