[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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I did not eat the cake…
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I have many caverns
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.