One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.