Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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Unimpressed
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
anyone else like Italian cereal
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”