A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
can’t wait til they legalize outside
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.