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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*watches the world burn*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”