I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
You Might Also Like
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
just gave your address to some spiders
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.