*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.