I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
How funny!
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.