A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
They’re not wrong
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.