My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair