Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea