Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’