*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are