The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Rt to bother an English speaker
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Self-cleaning conscience
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there