Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I unironically love this joke.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?