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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.