When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.