Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.