Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.