“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.