I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”