I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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looks legit
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army