Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL