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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Peace was never an option
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before