[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
britain’s three elite institutions
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me