*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
You Might Also Like
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever