Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.