“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You Might Also Like
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!